Fallen Angel (Violent Escape Story)

[shadownaga]

Hallo people!

I never thought I would be posting on the hard vore forums, but I'm not sure where this story would sit, it has a lot of violence in it so I didnt want to risk creeping out the soft vore people. Some guidance would be great help ^_^

Anyways I hope you guys enjoy this story, it has loads of blood, gore and also vore. So I'm guessing I should be right at home here haha

Contains: Vore, bloody stomach escapes, mass decapitation, blood and gore

[Sehnsucht]

Hi shadownaga! Being a lover of the angel/demon thing I was curious about what you wrote. As I read I jotted down some notes, below. Hopefully it's not over-facing. I enjoyed the scene and am curious about where you'll take it next. Specifically, I'd like to see more about this character Linda, and find out what makes her tick. Anyone, on with the comments:

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First up, it's "angel", not "angle"!

The intro monologue was not to my taste, but certainly set the scene for the following. I think it's a bit heavy-handed, in that it's trying very hard to give a hyperdark feel, but this may be precisely what you're after. I'd dive straight into the action at "In the hollow skeleton".

Loved the "hugging a rifle like a teddy bear" bit. You're really good with this kind of imagery and should try to use more of it.

Given you're so good with tableaux and vivid imagery, you should avoid things like "She almost made this barren wasteland more bearable, almost like life could still prevail". This is what you want to show the reader. Writing it explicitly is telling the reader. Show, don't tell is a writing maxim to inscribe on the insides of your eyelids. You could fix the above by, for example, describing her as the only colourful thing in a monochrome background, which implies what you want to, but stops short at spelling it out.

Good to see you spellchecked before releasing the story. However, in one or two places, spellcheck has failed to spot an error. "tail to tell" should be "tale to tell". "there next victim" should be "their next victim", "inserting dominance" should be "asserting dominance". There's a spectacular one later: "constipating" should be "considering". I think learning to find this kind of error comes with experience; you should just be aware of this problem for now.

Notes on dialogue:

‘SHOW YOURSELF!’ She roared inserting dominance, ‘SPARE THIS GAME! SHOW YOURSELF!!’

'SHOW YOURSELF!' she roared. 'SPARE ME THIS GAME! SHOW YOURSELF!'

Changes:

• "She roared" became "she roared", because it's a speech tag applied to what's inside the quotes. (The fact that her speech is in capitals and ends in an exclamation mark doesn't change this. You actually apply the rule correctly later, so maybe the capitals/exclamation mark threw you off here.)
• Changed comma after "dominance" into a full stop. The second line of dialogue is a separate sentence.
• Removed "asserting dominance" because, well, roaring sounds like asserting dominance to me! Try to say what you want to say with as few words as possible. In particular, avoid repeating yourself!
• The saying is "spare me X".

'...show me who "you" are.' Quotes never (ever ever) add emphasis. Use italics (best), capitals, underlining, bold, *asterisks*... hell, anything's better than quotes!

It just struck me there's been no description of any of the demons so far (and very little of Linda). More description would make the scene concrete. For instance, later you mention "blood soaked sands", but I thought we were in a street.

All in all this is a cool little vignette. I'm curious to know why the demons run rampant, where her abilities come from, and what she expects to achieve in this world. Does she know anyone else in this post-apocalyptic world? Is there any resistance? What will happen to them?

It's also nice to see the prey get away once in a while We have a hard time. I'm happy to find that a naga such as yourself agrees. Do you let your prey get away, too?

Feel free to ask questions if any of the above isn't clear, and keep writing!

[shadownaga]

Thanks, this was a bit of a writing experiment, I done it and then thought why not just post it. ^_^

You know what I only have just realized that, I don't know how I was typing that wrong all the time, feel a bit stupid now

Yeah my previous writing is dark in places but its mostly normal, I wanted to try sometime new so I wrote it dark, I could have gone deeper but then that's not me. I was going to start with that but this character is going to be the main story so she needed a introduction ^_^

Haha thanks, I thought I may have killed my dark thing but It worked

I would repy to the rest of it, but that would take forever. I have taken it all in but I will pick out bits

Mircosoft word is a terrible program and is a horrible companion to late night writers, should have given it a second read but I just posted it because I was too tired

I perfure to use emphasis, I find the whole italics, capitals, underlining, bold, *asterisks* to be a bit tacky and boring hehe

I know I needed to describe the demons more, I should make up for that in later writings if I do. As for the sands on the street, you have to remember that this is a post end of the world reality, the town has been left to ruin with no-one to look after it, thus dust, dirt and sand appear.

If you where a reader of my past works then you would understand how this could happen, I post on DA and I'm still building it all up to this, some of my major characters will be carried on into this new world. This story may not end up on DA for ages, so I will answer some of them for you now

Why the demons run rampant?
When realty broke, the NIFF, a ex-naga army gained massive recruitment from those who's minds have descended into chaos. Also because realty had broken the things hidden in the darker areas of the universe could now run free without being stopped and openly challenged in massive warfare by the now gone huge armies.

Where her abilities come from?
She gained them from performing the most vile of sins as an angel, she was punished by her god to be a Fallen Angel

What she expects to achieve in this world?
Redemption for her sin, by killing as many demons as it takes

Does she know anyone else in this post-apocalyptic world?
No, she lost most of her friends when she sinned and the rest died of old age.

Is there any resistance?
Yes, I can't tell you too much without giving it away.

What will happen to them?
All the demons she killed are sent back to hell where they are stuck, only the super powerful demons can come back with lots of effort.

Haha yeah, it is. I mean she cant die shes the main character, what kind of story kills off there main character on the first chapter

As for me, it depends on how I feel and what kind of prey it is

Thanks for all the advice, it was a task to read but really helpful