Travis's first story (M/M hard)

[Travis_Hackett]

This is my first attempt at writing vore, so please bear with me...

The night shift was going for Rudy as most nights go in the all night Burger King; quiet accept for the occasional trucker off the highway or the late night road warrior looking for a bite to eat between meetings. Rudy was working the register, his least favorite of jobs due to the fact that barely anybody came in at this ungodly hour of the night, and the fact that the ones that did were either unkind or downright bonkers to the core.
Suddenly, the door swings wide. Rudy, who had been leaning against the counter, quickly assumes the position to take an order. A tall man, taller than Rudy (which was rare considering Rudy stood 6 and a half feet tall) approaches the counter with his head hung low. From the start Rudy didn't like the way the man looked. He was dressed in a black trench coat that stretched to his ankles and looked as if had been stabbed with scissors while hanging on a clothes line. The way the man seemed to have no color in his face did not help matters much.
“Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?” Rudy asks the man standing at the counter; offering that fake enthusiasm he acquired from his moths of working with unpleasant customers. The man in the black trench coat looks up, letting his rat-nest of hair fall away from his face to reveal the strangest detail about him; the glasses upon his face. Not regular glasses that Rudy has seen on ill-sighted customers before, but glasses that look like those old X-Ray glasses one would order from a comic book; black frames with a swirling black and white pattern for lenses.
“May I help you sir?” Rudy asks, becoming impatient with the man.
“You.” He says
“Come again?” Rudy asks, not sure what he meant
“I want you.” responds the man in black, but before Rudy could respond the man turned towards the door, and left into the night.

The incident did not haunt Rudy for long despite the lack of customers throughout the rest of his shift. After all there were his cleaning duties to attend to near the end of his shift at 5, which he breezed through.

“See ya tomorrow Travis.” Rudy calls to the boss as he grabs his jacket and heads for the employee exit at the rear of the building. Outside the eastern sky was beginning to fade into orange against the deep blue of the west with the coming sunrise; giving a clear view of the interstate and the traffic buzzing down it like ants on parade. A fine summer dew has settled upon the pavement and the remaining cars in the parking lot, including Rudy's Ford Escort coupe sitting lonely at the end of the parking lot near the dumpsters. He couldn't wait to hop into his little green clunker and head home for a well deserved night's sleep, and forget all about the long night at Burger King. Curiously Rudy recalls the strange man that came into the store several hours before.
“I wonder what he meant?” Rudy asks himself as he approaches his car, the strange man's few words now completely on his mind as if they had just been spoken.
As hard as he tries he cannot shake the hissed words of the strange man from his mind. Even as he slides his key into the lock of his car door his mind plays it over and over again, 'I want you', I want you'

“I want you...” The words echo much louder, for this time they were not the thoughts of a tired youth but an actual voice. Rudy spins around, facing the building from whence he came, but sees nobody. He looks towards the interstate, nobody.
“Is there anybody there?” He calls to the twilight, but is only answered by the bellowing of a truck horn on the interstate. Rudy doesn't know what to think, and with his heart beating a drum roll, he turns the key and unlocks his car.
“Just tired is all...” Rudy assures himself as he climbs down into the Escort, “Just tired” he sighs as he buckles his safety belt and adjusts his rear view mirror-

A pair of eyes stare back at Rudy from the back seat; no, they're glasses, like the ones you used to buy out of comic books. Instantly Rudy turns his torso to look in the back, and is face-to-face with the strange man with the X-ray glasses.
“I have you...” Hisses the man in the back and he smiles a toothy grin of yellow stained teeth; all of them long and pointed like the teeth of a wild beast. It is this sight that sends Rudy from on edge to full-blown piss-yourself terror.

The man lunges from the back seat towards Rudy, mouth agape and ready to claim it's prize. The teeth sink deep into Rudy's face. The pain is instant, and with a sudden jerk of the man's neck, only the bloody front of Rudy's skull remains; his eyes remain intact yet his jaw falls as he tries to scream, but all that comes is a high pitched yelp. The man soon stops this. He places his mouth over Rudy's exposed neck and bites in as he did his face. With a tug and a pull there is an explosion of blood that coats the windshield as well as the attacker. Nothing is left of the neck but spine and the muscle that wasn't torn away. The yelp fades into a gurgle, which fades into silence as Rudy's life is extinguished. Satisfied with his kill the man, nay, beast that took Rudy's life proceeds with the task at hand, and feasts upon Rudy's body. From the out side the Escort shakes to and fro as if two lovers were inside rather than a monster of a man and it's prey...

Rudy's car was discovered later that morning, the interior soaked with blood and no sign of Rudy or a struggle. An investigation was held in which a blood soaked Burger King uniform was found in a nearby patch of forest. The police report soon went cold due to the lack of a body or any suspects, or any evidence that suggested an actual crime had been committed outside the amount of blood found at the scene. The case remains unsolved by Birmingham police, but the few whom believe think, no, they know this was the work of the fabled man in glasses. An urban legend he is called, like bigfoot or Lock Ness, or at least that is what he 'officially' is. To Rudy though, the man in glasses is all too real...

[codyage]

A pretty good story. It held my attention from begining to end, and I was a bit drawn to the climax with the man in the glasses and Rudy. Even though I do not like M/M or hardvore (I used to like M/M but that was just a phase, I am not saying you caused me to dislike it or anything.) I was still interested in the story to see how it ended and to see if there will be another like this one. For your first time I will give you around a 6-7 out of 10. Overall a good read.

To improve on the story I suggest you use so more detail on the characters perhaps give a bit more info about them. For example You could have given Rudy's age, what he looks like, perhaps a bit of backstory even if he is just a temp character for a short story, some insight on who this person is can help the reader relate to them and be more interested in there activities.

An idea to improve this story is perhaps instead of having the main character be killed within the next day or two, perhaps you could expand the story a bit maybe to a week or so? Showing him going through his daily routine, family, any friends he might have. I am just trying to give some helpful ideas for future stories.

Overall this is a decent story I do look forward into the future to read more from you even if it does contain vore or not I will be very interested in seeing your next work.

[Mirukani]

*concrit-mode ON* I don't want to sound harsh or rude, but choose which tense (past or present, in this case) you want to use and stick with it. I had a huge problem with this when I started writing first-person POV, and I still have to force myself to go back and double-check to make sure tense stays consistent, so you're definitely not alone with that.

Tone-wise, it was very nice. Dark, mildly creepy... However, the campfire-story ending, while I'm quite fond of it, didn't quite seem to fit in with the rest of the story, which focused largely on Rudy. I'm not sure how you could make it fit without changing the focus of the rest of the story, either... which means a total rewrite just for the ending, and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I agree with Codyage that a bit of extra detail (perhaps on Rudy's appearance - for some reason I have the image of a scrawny redhead with a face full of acne scars XD) could really make a difference. And a description doesn't have to necessitate a list - maybe he catches a glimpse of his own blue eyes in the rearview mirror of his car, for example. Or he notices a slight wind chill when the stranger with the X-Ray glasses comes inside.

I know when I worked in fast food and it was slow, I'd sit by the drive-thru window and stare outside until someone came in. Something like that could give an opportunity to set up a bit more of a creepy mood, with the additional bonus of getting poor Rudy spooked even before the stranger comes in.