Hello!
Now that I have written some more, I hope that there is enough here to be critiqued. Attempting to send just a paragraph at first was a mistake, but if you still feel as if I need to write additional segments then I will attempt to update this again before long. But again, I'm just looking for any opinions regarding my writing and style. Just about anything that may help me improve really.
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Stalwart against the elements, a homestead resides amidst whirling winds and scattered showers. Its purpose as a shelter against the whims of nature stands as a testimony to its firm foundations and the exemplary craftsmanship that had constructed the walls standing upon them. Only the infrequent boom of midsummer thunder and a humid atmosphere would penetrate those walls, in a way, serving as a reminder of nature’s tenacity and inevitably no matter the force it faces. But such matters of fundamental conflicts and worldly functions mean little to the freshly roused woman within. Such a force of nature would be nothing more than an irritable nuisance that has now ruined an otherwise pleasant rest and provided an additional displeasure by obscuring the midnight sky behind a veil of rolling darkness. Even the view of more grounded sights would be obscured by waves of raindrops drumming against glass and grass alike. What a bother…
Having unwillingly hauled herself from the welcoming comfort of her crumpled bed sheets, this unnamed woman would all but shuffle forward with the enthusiasm of a dead thing. As in truth, she possesses no desire to abandon the lazy comforts provided by her place of rest. Or rather, she hadn’t. Simply slipping back into a restful state would have been the preferred outcome… Would be the preferred outcome, even. And yet a pressing sense of restlessness had made it impossible to simply sink beneath the sheets and return to a slumbering state. External elements such as the occasional clap of thunder, her left foot having slipped from the sheets, chafing lingerie, an ache in her shoulders, etc… All nuisances in their own right. All easily mended from the embrace of her bed. So why even make this unwanted, half-conscious excursion? Well, it’d be for a pressing matter that far exceeds such minor gripes. Something that would hold a greater importance within the woman's heart and mind than the impulses of nature, far outweighing any other form of worldly comfort. An absolute, unrelenting, all-consuming…
GRROOWGGHL~
Hunger…
~~~~~
Amara had died. She remembers the blade twisted in her gut. The taste of crimson rising up her throat. The terrifying encroach of darkness as the realisation she had failed sunk its teeth deep into her mind… It was real, every agonising second of it. And yet, despite the sensation of her lifeforce seeping into the soppy mud of a bloodied battlefield, such an experience had become a distant memory. As if her own corpse joining the numerous others that fell that day were something that quite literally unfolded a lifetime ago. But, she had died. So why is it that now draws breath? Many thoughts, concerns, and possibilities had all assaulted the woman's stricken mind but a lack of answers ensured she could only ever guess as to the reason for this new lease on life. Yet it would have perhaps been no more than a day or two before one theory overtook the rest. Then any further passage of time would only cement it within Amara’s mind that this theory of hers must indeed be the uncomfortable truth. Only, realising it as such would propel her situation far beyond that of mere discomfort. But having encounter others sharing a situation akin to her own, it’d have quickly become a near-undeniable fact. Amara had died, and now she finds herself within the depths of hell.
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To clarify any potential confusion, this is all the same story. The jump from one character to another will make more sense once I've written some more. I am also writing this as a part of my own setting that I am still in the process of developing. So there will likely be certain worldbuilding aspects that also cause some confusion that I intend to answer as best I can during the rest of the story.
New to the platform. I write things. (Updated 23rd Oct 24)
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This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.
Read the rules in detail here
Read the Critiquing suggestion here
Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.
4 posts
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New to the platform. I write things. (Updated 23rd Oct 24)
Last edited by Fable on Wed Oct 23, 2024 10:22 am, edited 6 times in total.
- Fable
- New to the forum
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Thu Oct 17, 2024 6:42 pm
Re: New to the platform. I write things.
Sorry, what even is it that you're looking for here? Critique of one paragraph? You're looking to get opinions of the pacing... of one paragraph?
It's fine. You don't seem to have any grammatical errors, nothing seems illiterate. But, it's not at all possible to understand the direction you're planning on taking your writing from just this intro. If you were trying to get a publishing company to greenlight a book based on this, they'd likely tell you need to trim this and include a lot more information about the characters, plot, and setting, unless your entire piece is about living in this one house with the theme of withstanding nature.
This isn't a publishing company, though, you're on a porn site. Meaning, getting to the point is going to be even more important. And, from what you have here so far... you haven't even shown a hint of the point. You haven't even demonstrated that you're into vore, the point of this website, lol. Maybe browse some other writing on this site first? There's a wide gallery of content at your fingertips, check some out and see what's standard. You may especially want to pay attention to tagging, as that's how you'll attract people to your own work. For example, if I were trying to show off one of my stories, I'd put 'F/F, Willing, Unbirth, Digestion' right near the top, maybe even in the title. Nobody wants to get jumpscared by things that squick them out.
Welcome to Eka's, though. Hopefully you're not very lost and confused and intend to stick around, I'm sure there will be lots of folks eager to have a new writer to read, once you have a full piece to show off.
It's fine. You don't seem to have any grammatical errors, nothing seems illiterate. But, it's not at all possible to understand the direction you're planning on taking your writing from just this intro. If you were trying to get a publishing company to greenlight a book based on this, they'd likely tell you need to trim this and include a lot more information about the characters, plot, and setting, unless your entire piece is about living in this one house with the theme of withstanding nature.
This isn't a publishing company, though, you're on a porn site. Meaning, getting to the point is going to be even more important. And, from what you have here so far... you haven't even shown a hint of the point. You haven't even demonstrated that you're into vore, the point of this website, lol. Maybe browse some other writing on this site first? There's a wide gallery of content at your fingertips, check some out and see what's standard. You may especially want to pay attention to tagging, as that's how you'll attract people to your own work. For example, if I were trying to show off one of my stories, I'd put 'F/F, Willing, Unbirth, Digestion' right near the top, maybe even in the title. Nobody wants to get jumpscared by things that squick them out.
Welcome to Eka's, though. Hopefully you're not very lost and confused and intend to stick around, I'm sure there will be lots of folks eager to have a new writer to read, once you have a full piece to show off.
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Shortpig - Somewhat familiar
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Fri May 13, 2016 1:24 pm
- Location: Good question, where the heck is this?
Re: New to the platform. I write things.
Agreed with what shortpig said. There is nothing to judge here, it's like 6 lines of writing, which describe a house. It's not bad, but it's not substantial enough to judge.
The thing I'm going to add is that if you're worried that you work will be too long, maybe split it into chapter or start doing short one-offs first to get the hang on writing.
The thing I'm going to add is that if you're worried that you work will be too long, maybe split it into chapter or start doing short one-offs first to get the hang on writing.
Ausgustus might have been the best emperor, but damn Basil II was the coolest one.
If you want to talk about anything, feel free to pm, I'll be glad to respond.
If you want to talk about anything, feel free to pm, I'll be glad to respond.
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Trajan - Participator
- Posts: 184
- Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2024 9:42 am
- Location: Lutetia Parisiorum, Gallia Lugdunensis
Re: New to the platform. I write things. (Updated 23rd Oct 2
Hey Fable,escape road
I like the way you describe the homestead in the stormy weather immediately pulled me in! One thing I'd suggest is to vary sentence length a bit more—there are a few very long sentences that could be broken up to improve flow.
I like the way you describe the homestead in the stormy weather immediately pulled me in! One thing I'd suggest is to vary sentence length a bit more—there are a few very long sentences that could be broken up to improve flow.
- althnonpareil
- New to the forum
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- Joined: Mon Mar 18, 2024 9:54 pm
4 posts
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