New writer, please critique/give advice

Are you looking for a place to post your work, hoping to receive comments, suggestions and criticisms? If so, this forum is for you! Showcase your stories, drawings, animations, and anything else you have created here. You can even upload your files directly to our site! Note: Everyone is free to share opinions of anything here. If you can't handle criticism, refrain from posting here!
Forum rules
This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.

Read the rules in detail here

Read the Critiquing suggestion here

Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.

New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Sun Mar 07, 2021 1:42 pm

Hey, I'm very new to writing. I used to enjoy it in school, but haven't really done it since. I came up with a basic plot, then kind of just let the writing happen. My philosophy is that I'd much rather an equal amount of 0/10 and 10/10, than 5/10 that appeals to everyone, so if you know you don't like the content, please focus on the actual writing aspects, and if this stuff is normally up your alley, let me know what I could have done better. Just putting that out there because it involves fatal vore and scat, and I know that isn't everyone's cup of tea. Also I wrote in second person (To hopefully draw the reader into the story) which might be a huge mistake, but I don't know. Anyway, enjoy. (I just realised the formatting is completely messed up. Hopefully I haven't missed anything)

Content warning: fatal vore, digestion, scat (scs start, sce end), semi incest?
You had been walking so long, your feet felt like they were on fire. The village had sent you out on patrol, and you were only halfway through your shift. It was bound to be a long day. You cupped a hand to your forehead as you scanned the irradiated horizon for any signs of trouble. Nothing. You continued along your path, letting out a sigh as you did so, in some funny way, you almost wished that something would come along to break the monotony.
Almost as soon as the though entered your head, you saw it. Lying wounded in a puddle of its own blood was a creature you had seen before, although never this close. A Lamia. These man-eating beasts were the sole reason for your patrol. While most creatures avoid humans, Lamia would actively seek them out. It was not unheard of that a Lamia could take two men in a fight, tucking them away beneath her scales and slithering back to her den to digest. The thought terrified you. What a way to die. You shouldered your rifle aiming at the head of the beast. Then, as the creature opened its eyes, you saw the most magnificent blue you had seen in your life.
[i]‘STOP’[/i] you had though to yourself. The word racing through your head. You could not look away, her eyes radiated with a luminescence that made your knees buckle, and your rifle fall to the floor. You could not shoot her, not when she is wounded like this, it wouldn’t be fair, it would practically be murder!
Your eyes continued to stay locked to hers, until you saw it. ‘please…. help’. You could tell, she needed help. You ran to her side, lying against her as you frantically rummaged through your pack. She was enormous. You reckon that if she had’ve been standing, your head would have only reached her breast, while her tail was twice as long as you were tall. You followed the blood up the side of her scales until you saw where it stopped. Pressing a bandage against her, she let out a hiss at the contact, but allowed you to continue. You looked up at her. She was watching your hands with interest, her eyes looking dull, before she looked directly at you.
Her eyes flashed. ‘There’s no way I can make it back to my den on my own, I need a little more help’. The words came racing to your head. “s-sure” you said, “whatever you need”.
............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You had been travelling with the Lamia most of the day now, and the sun was starting to dip beneath the horizon. While the Lamias strange method of communication had jarred you at first, you soon became used to her glowing eyes, as she spoke her words directly into your head. You were in unfamiliar territory, but the Lamia would reassure you that she would send you to your proper place when this was all over. The words brought great comfort to you.

You made a campfire and the Lamia let you use her body as a beanbag. Since she was cold blooded, this was a win-win. Her massive coils were wrapped around you reflecting the head of the fire, and her human half held you close, gently stroking your stomach.
*grrrrchch* The sound woke you out of your sleep, it was like a crunching, grinding sound with a couple of little pops mixed in. In confusion, you looked behind you at the Lamias face, which was currently contorted by a grimace, her eyes shut tight. *grrrrchch* You saw her momentarily relax, her mouth lolling open for a second with pleasure, before resuming her grimace. *grrrrchch* You followed the sound this time, being drawn to a section of her tail. You put your ear to her scales. You heard a soft gasp of pleasure before *CHCHCHGGRRRRR*. You didn’t just hear it that time, you felt it as well. Her body undulated beneath your head, you could feel a wave of pure power as her muscles rolled through her tail, working to crush what you now realised was a bulge beneath her scales.
‘sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, my previous ‘travel companion’ is being a bit stubborn’ she said emphasising the last word with another *grrrrchch*. She blanched at your expression. ‘sorry, I shouldn’t make jokes like that around you. Don’t worry, it’s no one you know’. That didn’t reassure you one bit. With a flash of her eyes, she said ‘I really am sorry, I wanted to finish with him before you woke up’ *grrrrchch*. You told her it’s okay, and there was nothing she could do that could upset you. ‘Oh, if that’s the case, I don’t suppose you could give me a hand? Nothing feels better than having a human on both sides of my scales at the same time?’ *grrrrchch* .She flashed her eyes for emphasis, and you quickly agreed, climbing onto her tail, as if to give it a big hug. *grrrrchch*, you help her out this time, by squeezing yourself against her scales as the wave came ‘CRUNCH’. ‘aaaaahhhh’ the Lamia moaned in bliss. You felt snaps beneath you as what must have been bone gave way. The bulge was getting softer and softer beneath you.

You readjusted your grip on her scales, when your right hand met something wet. ‘oooohhh, careful human’. The Lamia said with a giggle. With a blush, you realised where you had just put your hand. ‘If I get a good taste of you, I might just keep you. She’s got a mind of her own, and all she needs is a hand, and she’ll suck you right in. Then you’ll be like our friend here’ *grrrrchch*. With that noted, you made sure to keep your hand away from her pussy.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You woke to the sun on your face, the campfire mere embers compared to the blaze from last night. But even after a full night of rest, you still felt like there was a fog over your mind. You must be exhausted, you thought to yourself.
scs
Spoiler: show
You walked around the temporary camp, trying to find where the Lamia had gone too, before you saw her. ‘Hey there’ She waved a hand lazily, her upper body was leaning against a rock, and her tail was trailing out behind her. As you follow her tail with your eyes, you got your first look at her meal, or what was left of him. Pounds of former human were being pushed from a gap near the end of her tail. You could see bits of bone among the mess, confirming to you that that was once a living creature. Now nothing more than waste. Her tailhole closed, having finished it’s work, and she slithered over to you. ‘heh, you really helped me out last night, not even his skull made it through that!’

sce
“what do you mean?” you asked her. ‘well, a humans best defence is their mind, so their body makes sure it’s well protected’ You weren’t following. Why can’t you think properly? At your expression, she grabs both sides of your head and squeezes firmly. ‘I can deal with their mind easy, but that extra protection is a real hassle!’ She pouts. ‘Once a human’s in my gut, it’ll start squeezing and shifting them around’ she gives your head another squeeze. ‘once you go soft, bones will start to get caught on the walls, plus I can grind them up with a bit of effort. But a skull can’t get caught, it’s too round. And they can withstand quite a bit of pressure’ This time she squeezes your head hard, it’s enough to give you a headache. ‘see? Anyway, I like to take my humans feet first, so I always feel it coming out last, but this time? Nothing!’
She lets go of your head but grabs your arm. ‘We’d better get a move on, all this talk of humans has gotten me hungry!’ You offer her some of your rations, but she turns you down. ‘sorry humie, but your species is my favourite meal, ever since that tease last night, my stomach has been begging me for a second helping of human.’
“Does this mean you’re going to eat me?” The words slip out of your mouth before you register them. She visibly checks you out for a couple of seconds. ‘nah, I won’t eat you. But I will need something. C’mon, I know a place’
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

The Lamia has been practically dragging you along by the arm, salivating furiously, before she suddenly stopped. You were in a rocky outcrop with a natural path running through it. There were brambles with delicious looking crimson berries hanging from them and the sun was casting shadows across the dust. You grabbed a berry and popped it in your mouth. ‘IDIOT! Did you just do what I think you did? I swear, you turn your back for one second, now I’ll have to find another- wait… did you swallow it?’ You let the berry roll out of your mouth. Your mind has really been in the clouds today, what’s up with you? The Lamia lets out a sigh ‘sorry for that hun, you have to be careful these berries are poisonous to prey. They’ll kill you in a minute, and they’ll give me a terrible tummy ache, so If you’re going to eat anything, ask me first. I’m used to babysitting humans so you won’t bother me, okay?’ You stare into her glowing eyes and nod your head. ‘Anyway, here’s where were going to lay our ambush. I want you to lie down close to the path, and stay as still as possible’ You did as you were told, laying face down in the dirt. After a moment the Lamia returned with an armful of berries. She curled up into a coil, and using her arms, she began mashing the berries into a paste. As they were crushed, the berries released their juices, the red-black liquid looking like fresh blood. Once she was satisfied, the Lamia began pushing the mess into your back, coating you in the substance. This continued for awhile, she would climb to the top of a rock, scan for humans, find more berries, then re-apply your disguise.
The liquid was starting to dry up in places, forming a sticky coating that irritated you. It was getting hard to lie here this long. ‘Don’t move’ The Lamia said with a flash of her eyes. The tension started to creep out of your body, and you went still again. ‘Veeeerrrrrryyyyy Gooooood’ She said, before leaving for her lookout post. ‘fuck!’ “What’s wro-“ ‘QUIET!’ she let out a sigh ‘there’s two of them, coming right this way, and before you ask, that’s not good. It means we’re going to have to physically overpower them. I may look scary, but I’m not as tough as you think. I normally use my hypnosis, but that only works on one person at a time, so that’s out of the picture’ She slithered down from her rock. ‘I’m going to hide in the shadows, once they reach you, I’ll attack one, and you grab the other, just stay still, we want them to think you’re unconscious’.
It wasn’t long before you started to hear voices. “I think I saw him somewhere around- aha, there he is” It was the voice of a male.
“oh god, look at all that blood”. A female this time.
“The poor bastard must’ve been shot” he said, you could hear him getting closer, your heart started to beat faster.
“what makes you think that?”
“well, if a monster got him, there wouldn’t be a body… wait, is he breathing? Holy shit, he’s still alive!”
“we have to help him” you heard her say. She ran up to you and start to kneel beside you.
“Jess, be car- huuurrrkk“ The man spluttered as the air was knocked out of him, the Lamia having just tackled him to the floor. As the female human jumped back, you grabbed at her legs, causing her to fall to the floor “whaaaa?” *CRASH*. You quickly knelt on her legs, then her stomach, pinning her to the ground. You looked over and saw the Lamia had wrapped her victim in her coils and was beginning to pull the shirt from the struggling human. As quickly as it started, the chaos was over. ‘Well done human, bring that one over to me’. You reached under the females shoulders and shoved her towards the Lamia, her tail quickly slamming the other human into the dirt.
“why the fuck are you helping this thing?” the male shouted at you. He was now stripped down to his boots, which were quickly pulled off. ‘Quiet meal, know your place!’ She slammed him into the dirt, then slithered on top of him. He was pinned. She pulled the female into her arms and started to undress her as well. She was sobbing too much to put up a fuss, but still kicked and waved her arms anyway. ‘I want to try having a bit of fun, do you reckon I can fit the two of you in at once?’ She leaned forward to lick the humans crying face, running her tongue over the females eye. ‘That’s the thing I love most about you humans, so many fluids. It’s like you juicy little morsels were made to be my food.’ At this, the female became hysterical. She was completely undressed in the Lamia’s grip. The snake woman began to press the humans toes against her vulva, which slowly parted to allow access.
“pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease” The human was now chanting, looking up into the face of the Lamia, who only smiled slyly at the human. She continued sinking until she was down up to her knees. ‘I think it’s time your friend joined you.’ She rolled to the side, moving her body so that she could reach the male. Even without the Lamias arms to hold her in place, the female couldn’t pull herself free from the snake snatch, which was slowly pulling her in to her demise. ‘Your turn handsome’. The man stared his captor in the eyes, refusing to show weakness even in death, although the tremble of his lips gave it away as an act. The Lamia began to feed his feet in next to the females, in a way that put them navel to navel. She began to rest her arms on their shoulders and was swaying side to side on her tail. With each undulation, her victims sank deeper into her. ‘yeeeessssssss’ she moaned in bliss, the panicking humans too focused on their own situation to notice their devourer’s pleasure. As inch after inch of flesh slid into the Lamia, you could start to see the bulge that the humans were making in her tail. By now the male was up to his knees, and the female was down to her waist.
‘Hey, want to see a trick?’ The Lamia said. You nodded dumbly, having never seen a Lamia eat, this was fascinating. She noticed your enthusiasm, and with a flex of her abdomen, the pair of humans rose an inch out of her vulva, before being sucked in another foot. The female let out a scream, she was up to her bellybutton in snake puss. She tried to use her arms to pull herself out of the snake, but it was no use. The man, grabbing whatever he could to slow his descent, grabbed onto the breats of the Lamia. ‘hehe, wow, even when being eaten, men only want one thing.’ She glanced over at you. ‘Besides, I like it rough.’ You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks, among other places. With another slurp, the males hands slipped from her tits. The female had sank to the point where her all she could grab onto was the male. This only caused them both to be sucked in faster. ‘Come join the fun, hun’ said the Lamia, beckoning you over. ‘I need you to finish what this idiot started’ She used her hands to fondle her breasts. You ignored the other humans and made your way over to the Lamia. You started to grab and squeeze at her breasts, while the two humans next to you were being sucked into her snatch, their cries falling on deaf ears. You kissed the Lamia, and sent your tongue into her mouth. Her eyes widened in shock for a moment before lidding as she returned the kiss. Your tongues wrestled as you massaged her breasts with your hands. You could feel the pointed fangs in her mouth as your tongue ran over them. Your hands were occupied with her boobs, feeling the weight in them, no doubt a result of the humans she had feasted on previously. You broke away, kissing her neck. ‘I didn’t expect to be tasting three humans as once today’ she said, her eyes glowing with joy, ‘you’re a brave little human, I think I might have to make you my mate.’ The words filled you with joy. Your trail of kisses ended on her nipple, and you began to suck. To your surprise, you could taste milk, and as you sucked and squeezed, more of the liquid began to fill your mouth. ‘ooohhhh, hehehe, looks like not all of last nights human made it to my bowels, does this make you a cannibal?’ You couldn’t care less, this was the best thing you had ever tasted. As the supply dried up, you switched breast until that too was dry. ‘Heh, guess that’s the last trace of him, well besides the fat he packed under my scales. But I don’t plan on keeping that for long’ . You kissed along her stomach, until you were right next to the humans. Both of them were in up to their neck, but it looked like they had stopped moving. ‘I held off on finishing them, I wanted you to see it’. As you approached her pussy, their eyes were zipping around frantically, looking for anything that could save them. You looked into the teary eyes of the female, before placing your hands on her hair and pushing her in. She slid down through the Lamias lady parts until her elastic folds started to suck on your hands. You quickly slid them out, as the walls continued to squeeze, now only kept from closing by the male’s neck. He looked up at you and the Lamia. “fuck you both, I hope I see you in hell” You put your hands against his head, but just as you were about to push, he turned and bit straight into the Lamia’s clit. As his teeth tried to clamp down on the fist sized protrusion, the Lamia let out an orgasmic cry. While her tails undulations increased, the opening started to flex, relaxing and closing, slapping the male on the chin. Her clit started to mash itself against his face, only causing further pleasure as it pulsed against him. He was quickly sucked in, and before you knew it, your hands were following . As your whole hand plunged into the slit before you could react, the Lamia whipped you with her tail, knocking you back and freeing you from her depths. ‘whoooo, I warned him that I liked it rough. Hah’ She panted. ‘Glad you’re okay though, you almost went too deep! Two feels great, it’s my go too number. Fills me out great! But three humans would have just overstuffed me. I’ve never tried and never want to.’ She frowned at you. ‘Besides, you’re still covered in that berry shit. C’mon, I know a place we can was it off. Oogh’ She finished her sentence with a wince, as the bulge in her tail momentarily bulged out. It looks like her guests had started to kick.
.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Travel with the Lamia had been reduced to a fraction of what it was before, although she was a lot more nimble than you thought she’d be with her heavy package. Still, you followed her as she dragged her two stomach stowaways to a small oasis. ‘I love this place’ she sighed, ‘well, get in, this is one of the few places where the water isn’t fucked’. She slithered into the water, staying close to the edge as her heavy tail sank to the bottom. From here, she almost looks like a normal girl, if you could ignore the two trapped humans hanging beneath her.
You climbed in next to her. ‘You look like you want to ask me something, shoot’. Was it that obvious? “Will they be okay?” She looked you deadpan in the eyes ‘Are you- wha- listen, I have to eat, same as anyone else. They’re fine at the moment, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable, but once those acids start they’re toast. I don’t do this for fun y’know…’ A blush crept it’s way across her face ‘okay, I don’t just do it for fun, but what are you doing judging anyway. It looked like you were enjoying it too!’ Her eyes flashed with annoyance. ‘Enough chit chat make sure you’re washing that shit off. No mate of mine will go around covered in berry juice.’ You were perplexed. “So that mate stuff wasn’t just heat of the moment.” Her gaze could melt a glacier at the moment. ‘No it wasn’t ‘heat of the moment’- ’ she made silly air quotes as she said this, ‘I really like you, and I want you to father my next child.’ At your puzzled expression, she continued, ‘have you ever heard of a male Lamia?’ You shook your head, ‘it’s because they don’t exist. Our biology allows us to take a mate of any species. We are hyper compatible, Lamia pairings can only produce Lamia offspring, and the child is always female of course.’ You told her that you liked the idea of that, and the look on her face melted your heart. ‘C’mon, let’s get back to my den before nightfall.’
.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You finally arrived at the hole in the rocky outcrop, the ‘tight squeeze’ for the Lamia leaving plenty of room for you to walk through. As you peered into the darkness, you could see a fire illuminating a clearing. ‘MAYA, MAMA’S HOME!’ The Lamia shouted into the cave. You saw a smaller Lamia start to slither over. ‘Mum, I missed you!’ said the smaller Lamia, wrapping her arms around the older Lamia for a hug.
‘Careful dear, this is the biggest haul I’ve ever dragged back, and if you squeeze me too hard, you’ll have 2 angry humans to deal with’
‘hehe, but I like squeezing them, they make funny sounds’ said Maya
‘I’ll let you help me out later, when they’ve softened up a bit. I’ve been holding back digestion so I can enjoy it properly. By the way, this human is my mate, he’ll be staying with us awhile’ As the mother said this, the younger Lamia stared at you with a frown.
‘I don’t see what’s so special about him’ She harrumphed, turning and slithering deeper into the cave.
‘Don’t worry about her, I can tell she likes you, I think she’s jealous. I’ll help things go smoothly between you two, and I can guarantee by morning the two of you will be inseparable’ She said with a cheeky grin.
“Won’t her father be mad if you’re taking me as a mate?” you asked. ‘nah, there’s a huge difference between a mate, and a quick fuck. She’s the result of case B. Hehe, believe me, her father doesn’t mind one bit.’
With that said, you followed the older Lamia where she curled up with her daughter around the fire. You moved over and lay down against her. “please” huh? You felt a kick jostle you from behind. ‘hehe, you thought that was a kick, wait for what comes next’ The older Lamia said, the younger of the two just glared at you. You reached over and rustled her hair, prompting her to hiss at you. You laughed. The older Lamia let out a sigh, before the bulge in her tail became frantic. The bulge was shaking and screams filled the air. “LET ME OUT, PLEASE, I CAN’T TAKE IT! AAAARRRGGGHHH” “PLEAAAASSSEEE, IT FEELS LIKE I’M ON FIRE! AAAAIIIIIIIIIII”. The owner of the stomach just looked at them, a smug look drawing itself across her lazy face. ‘aww, does that hurt?’ She bought her head close and ran her hands over the bulge ‘poor widdle prey, how does it feel knowing that in a couple of hours, I’ll squeeze you out my ass as a pile of shit? You might fight it, but my stomach always wins’ With that, she flexed her muscles, sending a wave of tension running across her stomach. You could tell she was enjoying herself, she was blushing furiously. It looked like she was almost talking herself to orgasm.
‘Mummy, do you want me to help?' Said the younger one. While she was the younger of the two, you were curious what she was still doing living with her mum. Looking at her human half, you’d guess she’s at least in her early twenties, but her snake half was just slightly larger than you. You watched her crawl over and wrap her tail around her mothers. That’s when she started to tighten it over the bulge, turning the screams to shrieks. ‘Dumb humans, you should be thanking mummy for putting you in your place, it’s your destiny to be snake shit’ From the looks of things, she was getting turned on too. She was grinding her mound against her mothers scales, and biting her lips.
That’s when you climbed on top of the bulge, so you were face to face with Maya, and using your legs to squish the two. “You idiots, I set a trap with my mate, I wasn’t even hurt! If all humans were as gullible as you, your species would be wiped out!” As you finished your outburst, Maya was giving you a strange look. At this point, the air was practically laden with pheromones. You followed her gaze, and noticed you were rock hard. Looking up at you, you gave her a quick nod, before she dove for your fly. She began fishing your cock out and plunged it straight into her mouth. You felt incredible. Her mouth was like nothing you had ever felt before, and her tongue was definitely skilled. She grabbed your buttocks with both hands, pressing her mouth all the way against your pubic bone. The tip of your dick was in her throat. You felt a wave travel through the older Lamias tail and you looked back at her, She was watching her daughter with pride. Another wave. Each wave was rolling you as it passed under you. As it approaches, it would push you deeper towards Maya, then as it passed between you, it would separate you, only to push you back together again. As this continued, you were quickly nearing orgasm, from the looks of it, so was the younger Lamia. That tail motion had been grinding strait into her pussy, and with help from her own grinding, she was close. You noticed that the humans had gone quiet, their whimpering and gasps of pain all you could hear from them.
The daughter pulled her mouth off your dick ‘One more mummy, one more, make it a big one, I’m close and so is he’ She engulfed your man meat again and you all squeezed the bulge one last time. A resounding *CRACK* rang out, as one of the humans rib cages gave way. At the sound of that, you instantly came, shooting your seed deep into the throat of the Lamia partially swallowing you. You grabbed the back of her head, as one, two, three jets of cum rocked the back of her throat. ‘You’re tasty, can I keep him mum?' She asked. You laughed and so did her mum.
‘You’ll have to share with me darling’ She said. After your orgasms, you were all getting a bit tired, so with the fire still going, and the warm scales of those two Lamia caressing you, you quickly fell asleep in the cuddle pile.
.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

You woke up to the sounds of digestion, your pillow had become much more active during the night, you still felt the two Lamia pressed against you, it must still be the middle of the night, and you were exhausted after all the travel. You’ll just roll over and head back to sleep. As you went to roll, you realised your legs had become tangled up in your sleeping bag. You heard a soft pant in you ear, as you looked down at your legs, terror filled your mind. “mmmmph” you tried to scream, but a hand was blocking your mouth, Maya’s hand. ‘aah’ she moaned. You were up to your thighs in her pussy. You tried to wiggle, bit it had gripped you tight. Your legs felt like they were being crushed. ‘mmmmh’ another inch of you sank into her. You frantically tried to grab anything but her free hand was holding your wrists together. You shook your arms, but you never stood a chance, her Lamia strength could outmatch yours any day. *shlup* She sucked you in until your dick was pressed against her clit. ‘hehe, you already had your fun yesterday’ *shlup*. Your dick disappeared into her cunt. How could this have gone so wrong? You tried to shake yourself free ‘aah aah, calm down mister, you aren’t getting out of me that easily.’
You knew there was only one way to save yourself. The mother definitely wouldn’t want her mate to be eaten. “MMMPPH” you yelled against the hand covering your mouth “MMPPH”. ‘Calm down hun’. Your eyes met the older Lamia, she was awake, and watching with a smile on her face.

‘look how good im doing mummy, aah’ your abs were disappearing into the snake woman.
‘let go of him, it feels better when they struggle’ The mother said with a wink at you. As soon as your mouth was uncovered, you let out a barrage of pleading. “PLEASE, DON’T LET HER DO THIS, I’M YOUR MATE!” upon hearing this, both lamia began to chuckle, it was a strange sensation, you could feel yourself slip deeper in time with her laughs, her body shaking around you.
‘You dumb fool, why are humans so gullible’ She lazily places a hand on your head, pushing you deeper into her daughters snatch. ‘you have been food from the moment you saw me’ Your nipples disappeared under the feminine flesh. ‘Don’t forget the arms honey’ she says, grabbing your arms and shoving them deep into her daughters cunt. By now you’re up to your neck, below that, and it’s just warm, wet, tight death. ‘You remember our friends from earlier? That’ll be you soon! I can’t wait to hear you melting away. It’s the proper fate for all humans, you’re all just meals waiting to be turned into shit’ She placed one hand on your head and flicked you on the nose with the other. ‘Bye hun, I hope you had fun, I’ll see you tomorrow’ With that, she stuck her tongue out and winked, as she pushed your head all the way under.
Maya let out a cry as you sank deeper into her, the flesh undulating around you. It wasn’t just snug, it was unbearable tight, forcing you deeper with every roll. You could feel your feet slam against a sphincter, before it opened, sliding over you. You were being forced into a sac, and nothing you could do would slow you down. Once your whole body was in, within seconds, liquid started to fill the chamber. It was moving in a way where you couldn’t get comfortable, and when the liquid hit you, it confirmed your suspicions, it was acid. “AAAAHHHHH, I HELPED YOU, PLEASE.” You could hear giggles, booming around you ‘mama, can you help me out’
‘sure dear’
You were frantic, the acids burned all over and the stomach was relentless, shaking you around and making sure you were coated. It was unbearable. You ran your hand along the walls, trying to find an entrance or an exit, but the slimy interior and wrinkled surface obscured any passages. ‘hehe, don’t worry about finding an exit yet, you aren’t done in there. I’ll help you leave tomorrow’ You could hear Maya’s voice echoing around you. Suddenly, everything became much tighter. ‘hihi, mama sure is strong, you ready mister?’ You were about to cry out when *ghurk* the stomach slammed against your face, the wave of tightness rolling across your body, crushing you. *SLAM*, *SLAM*
‘Awww, I thought you were big and strong loverboy. How did you expect to be my mate if you can’t even withstand a bit of light snuggling?’ *SLAM* ‘ah well, I reckon it’s about time to finish you off. I’ve been going easy on you, but I think this next one is goodbye. See you soon you weak piece of shit’
*CRUNCH*
The two Lamia looked at the bulge, or what was left of it. ‘Hehe, I’ve still got it’ said the older one. The two cuddled up against each other and tried to get some sleep. The mother periodically squeezing to help her daughter digest.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Scs
Spoiler: show
The younger Lamia woke to a pressure in her gut. She made her way to the entrance of the cave, and climbed down to the outside. She always hated this part. *hurk* *hurk* She could feel chunks of the human travelling up her system, before with a clatter, a pile of bones fell onto the floor. ‘When I’m older, I’ll be so powerful even your bones will go through me’ she taunted the skeleton. The skeleton just lay there. ‘Hmmmph, look what I did to you human, look what I transformed your precious body into’ With a grunt, she started to push the mess that had been sitting in her lower bowels out her tailhole. The brown mess plapping onto the bones of the human. With a final squeeze, the human had been completely freed from her system, aside from the added fat. Maya admired herself, seeing the new additions to her body. ‘haha, how do you like that I told you I’d let you out, betcha didn’t expect this!’ The skeleton just stared at her. ‘ppssh, you’re no fun.’ She slithered back into the den and curled up with her mother.

Sce
You were soon forgotten, just another meal to the Lamia, and just a casualty to your home.


THE END
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby VoidicFang » Tue Mar 09, 2021 1:45 am

Focus on the characters, who they are and what they are feeling.
Give them personal issues and quirks, spend time making those things make sense.
Make their motives realistic. Make them like real people basically.

The more you oversimplify and make them all powerful, the more boring they are.
People are here to replace real life a little bit. That's what they want out of porn.
Make it realistic.

This means you will need social skills or you will write shitty characters because you don't understand the motivations and expressions of real people.

However, it is the best way to write, and if you write vore as realistic as you can, people will like it. Make the character emotions seem like real people.

That's all. I did not read your post. I don't have that kind of time.
User avatar
VoidicFang
Been posting for a bit
 
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Nov 12, 2018 8:49 pm

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 6:13 am

VoidicFang wrote:Focus on the characters, who they are and what they are feeling.
Give them personal issues and quirks, spend time making those things make sense.
Make their motives realistic. Make them like real people basically.

The more you oversimplify and make them all powerful, the more boring they are.
People are here to replace real life a little bit. That's what they want out of porn.
Make it realistic.

This means you will need social skills or you will write shitty characters because you don't understand the motivations and expressions of real people.

However, it is the best way to write, and if you write vore as realistic as you can, people will like it. Make the character emotions seem like real people.

That's all. I did not read your post. I don't have that kind of time.


Thank you very much! It was a bit hard for me to flesh out the characters as one is meant to be brainwashed, so they aren't really perceiving reality properly, or putting 2 and 2 together, and the other two are being intentionally deceptive.
Would you recommend I write something shorter? As this was about 6000 words, but I don't feel there is much I could cut.
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby VaguenessIncoming » Tue Mar 09, 2021 8:51 am

It's solid work! I actually read the story - otherwise I might have given you feedback that didn't at all apply to the piece in question, which would have been counterproductive. As a writer, remember that not all critique is made equal - some is just bad, in fact, and will make you worse if you follow it. Anyway, on with my thoughts on the story!

I enjoyed the read a lot. The length is fine, the characters do the job well, and the pacing is good; despite how much there was to read, I never felt like it was dragging, or felt bored in any way. The twist was predictable enough that it didn't come out of left field, but not obvious enough that it felt certain. Good work on that.

Now, how to take this and make it even better.

I won't go into specifics, because this early on you want to focus on general issues - but here are a few tips that I feel would make your prose even stronger. These work for any kind of writing, not just kink:

- First off, choice of perspective. Second person is hard to pull off and easy to mess up. You did a respectable job, but it still cracks in places. Likewise, you hop between past tense and present tense a lot, and while it makes sense sometimes, at others it's just distracting. Pick a tense and stick to it.

- Weak verbs and passive voice. These go together, because in practice they tend to cause the same problem: they take away the 'kick' that you hopefully want out of a kink story. As a rule of thumb, avoid using "was", "is", or other forms of the verb "to be" or "to do" unless you have a good reason to do so. Compare:
"As you finished your outburst, Maya was giving you a strange look. At this point, the air was practically laden with pheromones. [...] Her mouth was like nothing you had ever felt before, and her tongue was definitely skilled."
with:
"As you finished your outburst, Maya shot you a strange look. Pheromones permeated the air. [...] Her mouth felt like nothing you had ever felt before, and her skilled tongue thrashed about."

- Adverbs. You use them a lot, and while they're useful, it's often better to pick a stronger verb. Compare:
"The Lamia has been practically dragging you along by the arm, salivating furiously, before she suddenly stopped. You were in a rocky outcrop with a natural path running through it."
with:
"The Lamia had been dragging you along by the arm, mouth watering, when she froze. You were in a rocky outcrop with a natural path running through it."

Hope this helps! There is more, of course, but you mentioned you're new, so I won't give you more to worry about at this stage. Keep on writing fun stories like these and enjoy yourself! Oh, and considering messaging Eka to request a gallery, as the forums aren't the best place to put your work.

PM me if you have any questions, I'll be happy to help.
Check out my work right here. Leave some feedback, it's much appreciated! I also do commissions.

Buy my books!
User avatar
VaguenessIncoming
Somewhat familiar
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:16 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 9:26 am

VaguenessIncoming wrote:It's solid work! I actually read the story - otherwise I might have given you feedback that didn't at all apply to the piece in question, which would have been counterproductive. As a writer, remember that not all critique is made equal - some is just bad, in fact, and will make you worse if you follow it. Anyway, on with my thoughts on the story!

I enjoyed the read a lot. The length is fine, the characters do the job well, and the pacing is good; despite how much there was to read, I never felt like it was dragging, or felt bored in any way. The twist was predictable enough that it didn't come out of left field, but not obvious enough that it felt certain. Good work on that.

Now, how to take this and make it even better.

I won't go into specifics, because this early on you want to focus on general issues - but here are a few tips that I feel would make your prose even stronger. These work for any kind of writing, not just kink:

- First off, choice of perspective. Second person is hard to pull off and easy to mess up. You did a respectable job, but it still cracks in places. Likewise, you hop between past tense and present tense a lot, and while it makes sense sometimes, at others it's just distracting. Pick a tense and stick to it.

- Weak verbs and passive voice. These go together, because in practice they tend to cause the same problem: they take away the 'kick' that you hopefully want out of a kink story. As a rule of thumb, avoid using "was", "is", or other forms of the verb "to be" or "to do" unless you have a good reason to do so. Compare:
"As you finished your outburst, Maya was giving you a strange look. At this point, the air was practically laden with pheromones. [...] Her mouth was like nothing you had ever felt before, and her tongue was definitely skilled."
with:
"As you finished your outburst, Maya shot you a strange look. Pheromones permeated the air. [...] Her mouth felt like nothing you had ever felt before, and her skilled tongue thrashed about."

- Adverbs. You use them a lot, and while they're useful, it's often better to pick a stronger verb. Compare:
"The Lamia has been practically dragging you along by the arm, salivating furiously, before she suddenly stopped. You were in a rocky outcrop with a natural path running through it."
with:
"The Lamia had been dragging you along by the arm, mouth watering, when she froze. You were in a rocky outcrop with a natural path running through it."

Hope this helps! There is more, of course, but you mentioned you're new, so I won't give you more to worry about at this stage. Keep on writing fun stories like these and enjoy yourself! Oh, and considering messaging Eka to request a gallery, as the forums aren't the best place to put your work.

PM me if you have any questions, I'll be happy to help.


Thank you so much! I was planning on refining this a bit once I got some feedback, and then sending it to Eka for approval. I appreciate that you read it, although it does still help me a bit if I know people can't be bothered. It means I haven't presented it well or I haven't made the start interesting enough, still, thank you anyway!
I think regarding the tense, near the start of the story, I intended the whole thing to be in past tense (to make it easier for immersion. In theory, it's easier to think you've been there rather than that you currently are there if that makes sense), but once I got into the flow of things, I started to slip into present tense which I'm more comfortable with. Do you think it would be better if I tried to keep it all in present tense instead?
I know I said it before, but thank you very much, this was the exact kind of advice I was looking for!
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby VaguenessIncoming » Tue Mar 09, 2021 9:36 am

No problem! Always happy to help.

I think for second person stories, present tense tends to work better, but as long as you remain consistent throughout, it will be fine regardless :)
Check out my work right here. Leave some feedback, it's much appreciated! I also do commissions.

Buy my books!
User avatar
VaguenessIncoming
Somewhat familiar
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:16 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 9:50 am

VaguenessIncoming wrote:No problem! Always happy to help.

I think for second person stories, present tense tends to work better, but as long as you remain consistent throughout, it will be fine regardless :)


Awesome, thank you!
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby 4ofSwords » Tue Mar 09, 2021 9:54 am

Here are some thoughts from me:

There's a lot that's good about the story. You have some solid plot progression and a good twist at the end - even if we know what's coming from the outset, there's still room for surprise.

I don't think second perspective works too well. There are going to be some exceptions to this (both readers who enjoy it, and circumstances where it works best), but these are few and far between. Rather than thrusting us into suspension of disbelief, it tends to undermine in whenever the 'you' perspective does or says something we wouldn't. For me, this happened persistently throughout the story.

First person present, on the other hand, creates a lot of immediacy and can usually build empathy with your audience, which substitutes well for that immediacy of second person, and lets you create dialog and reactions however you want without worrying about alienating your audience (at least as much)

Formatting. Formatting is king. It's worth taking the time to make sure your story is properly formatted, punctuated, and that caps are in place. For a quickie, thousand-word story, people might just blow through it anyway and not mind, but when you get to 6000 words and there are multiple walls of text, it is VERY difficult to work through, both in terms of motivation, and keeping your eyes tracking on the right line without skipping down.

To some degree, formatting in a forum context is going to be as difficult as it gets, and I can see why, especially after finishing an editing pass, it's tempting to just copy/paste/forget and let it sort itself out, but in terms of getting people to actually read and enjoy what you wrote, proper formatting can be almost as important as the text itself. So, in order of importance:

Paragraph breaks - you need a lot more, and definitely one between each speaker. Someone once told me to use paragraph breaks the way a film uses camera cuts. Whenever the camera would shift from one view to another, include a paragraph break. This happens whenever someone new speaks, or reacts non-verbally (usually! There are exceptions), when someone enters a room, whenever there's a significant item or inset, etc. Don't be afraid of white-space or making more of a scroll-bar. These things are free, and always better than walls of text.

In-line formatting - you have a lot of places where asterisks didn't get replaced by italics, etc, but I would also call out the Lamia's speech. Because there is so much of it, relying on italics creates a readability problem, I think. I'd recommend setting it off with <<angled brackets>> brackets instead. I didn't quite understand the scs/sce tags used with the spoilering, but that's an interesting dynamic. I might have been too long from reading vore stories, but if that's convention now, it's a good one. The scs/sce tags might need setting off as well, perhaps with [square brackets], and maybe just the [sc][/sc] tags to represent starting and ending in typical faux *ml way?

To the story itself, there was a really strong idea, but the sense of conflict that should have surrounded it was missing for me. Being hypnotized by a dangerous creature could be a terrifying experience. Losing autonomy, worrying about what might happen to you, and then feeling those emotions suppressed and replaced could be some great psychological horror, but instead it just seemed to immediately normalize (with a few nods, now and then, to 'why am I doing this?'), only to immediately return at the end when he meets his own end. To my mind, that struggle between the two characters should have been a centerpiece that tied the whole thing together, casting everything else (the horror of helping her against his own kind, the pleasures of her body, the self-doubt over helping her heal (and whatever happened to that thread - that would be a good one to continue?) when she was his enemy, etc.) Where is his dismay about never seeing his home again? Who did he leave behind? Weren't his feet burning from too much walking? It feels like there were these little seeds of conflict themes that were sprinkled in, and then never watered.

Bland writing, I think, uses big words to try to spice up normal scenes and dialog. VaguenessIncoming alluded to that with the mention of adverbs - they're generally the biggest offender. (Really, furiously, suddenly, instantly, etc.) Really good writing uses normal words to make vivid scenes and dialog. They conjure pictures and then key us in to the emotional significance of those pictures. Take the scene where he used the lamia as a bean bag chair. There was a lot of possibility for emotional connection and attachment there - not necessarily between the characters, but just to the moment. The feeling of cold settling into his bones, and missing the radiating warmth of a lodge or cottage or hut he might have been heading home to. Missing the belly full of warm, flavored food that would have been waiting for him, rather than travel rations and the last of dribbles of stale canteen water. The heat from the fire (after struggling to make it) scalds one side but leaves the other side frigid, and the ground is uneven and stony. And then here is his mortal enemy who wraps around him and evens out the heat, who provides a smooth, comfortable surface to rest on, and some companionship in the form of conversation - and she thanks HIM for it all. I could see that as a scene where his guard really starts to come down, where the conflict between her hypnosis and his resistance starts to mature.

One thing that I also think separates good writing is giving a fresh perspective on an established trope. When you're doing fetish/erotica writing, it's not really super necessary, but if you want it to be good, you want to see the familiar naga thing with a new light. What does it actually feel like inside her as you're going in - the bands of muscles, the textures. What would surprise us about it. What does it feel like with her voice in your head? Does it hurt, like any foreign body tends to - like a splinter under the skin or a zit forming? Can she do more than just project her voice? Can she rifle through his thoughts? Why does she eat with her pussy? (Honestly, that's an important question anyway!) Surprise us with your fresh take, with a new idea that we can say, 'Oh, that idea is from Chickenpie!'

That's a lot more critique than compliment, which is unbalanced - a lot of the read really was fun. And god knows my stories are no paragons of writerly virtue - probably half of this advice is really meant for me.

But good luck with the writing, and I'd recommend requesting a gallery so you can more easily format your stories and keep them all in one place.
User avatar
4ofSwords
???
 
Posts: 3304
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:00 am
Location: GA

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 10:52 am

4ofSwords wrote:Here are some thoughts from me...



I'm writing up a second draft at the moment, I kind of want to put my best foot forward when I show Eka an example of my work. I'm thinking I might go with that and switch to first person. I kind of hoped a lot of the 'I'm not thinking right today' stuff would help with that second person suspension of disbelief, but if it didn't, I'll scrap it.

Yea, I wrote this in word and then was horrified that my italics, page divides and paragraph breaks disappeared. I tried to get all of it but I missed heaps. thanks though!
The scs and sce were something I made up before I realized there was a built in spoiler system. The idea is someone would see scs, and know what's about to happen, and if that's something they don't want to see, they can ctrl+f for sce. I intentionally made it so those 3 letters would be the only thing that shows up, I might get rid of it if there's a spoiler feature on the gallery though.

I might have made it too vague, but my intention was that the Lamia would use flashing eyes to hypnotise her prey, using a kind of 'power of suggestion' to the point where prey think abnormal things are normal. The main character only breaks out of it at the end because being eaten pushes it to it's limits. I was also trying to make it so the Lamia's speech is indistinguishable from the humans own thought. I'll make the power more gradual, since that loss of power is a really good idea. It adds a bit more tension to the story too.
Thanks for pointing that out. Honestly, my plan was pretty much just a scene list, I didn't give the main character personality because it's 'you' and the Lamia never introduces herself because 'you're' just food. That might work to the stories detriment, so I'll try to flesh it out a bit.

The thing I'm worried about is that I'm writing fetish material, so I worry that spending too much time on environment and stuff will bore people that are looking for something they can scan in 2 minutes. I always hear 'cut what isn't needed', but it sounds like if I did add that detail you mentioned, It would be a much better story. I reckon I'll add a bit, just the small bit you wrote painted a much more vivid picture.

Good idea, I kind of just copied a lot of tropes and threw them together. The next story I was thinking of isn't too original either, I was thinking a boat of Bunny Merchants running across a boat of Viking/Pirate foxes, who don't want treasure. After that I'll try to think of something fresh lol.

And don't stress. I love critique like this! I won't get better if I just hear 'it's good enough I guess'. Also, dude, I've been reading your stuff for years, you're one of the best writers I know on this site, like, I know it's rp, but 'Stranded' has been one of my favourites (not in the system, I haven't used that until recently) for a long time!

Thanks for the critique, I'll make sure to use it for my second draft!
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby 4ofSwords » Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:39 pm

I might have made it too vague, but my intention was that the Lamia would use flashing eyes to hypnotise her prey, using a kind of 'power of suggestion' to the point where prey think abnormal things are normal. The main character only breaks out of it at the end because being eaten pushes it to it's limits. I was also trying to make it so the Lamia's speech is indistinguishable from the humans own thought. I'll make the power more gradual, since that loss of power is a really good idea. It adds a bit more tension to the story too.


For realistic predations, subtlety would be ideal. For the story, though, I think that tension is where it's at. It's a good idea, but as executed it's like reading a story about a guy going to buy his dream car, and when he gets there he has all the money and the vehicle is in stock. Struggle is what keeps us hooked.

The thing I'm worried about is that I'm writing fetish material, so I worry that spending too much time on environment and stuff will bore people that are looking for something they can scan in 2 minutes. I always hear 'cut what isn't needed', but it sounds like if I did add that detail you mentioned, It would be a much better story. I reckon I'll add a bit, just the small bit you wrote painted a much more vivid picture.


I may not be the best person to dispense advice on this; I'm all for 20k word stories. But I think there's smut, and there's stories with smut. If you're just writing smut, you can cut out everything but the final scene where he gets eaten and leave it at less than 2k words. If you're writing a story with smut, the story elements are still important; otherwise people WILL just want to skip through it to get to the smutty nuggets.

Thanks very much for the kind words! :)
User avatar
4ofSwords
???
 
Posts: 3304
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 12:00 am
Location: GA

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 12:46 pm

True. I read a bit online about specifically how to write a fetish story, and the main advice I saw was if you can remove the fetish and it still works, it isn't a fetish story. I think since the vore is central to the plot of the story, it'd be okay to add a bit more detail, and people will skip through or read the whole thing as they please. Thanks again!
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby VaguenessIncoming » Tue Mar 09, 2021 1:23 pm

First off, I'm seconding all of 4ofSwords' advice. They know their stuff.

And as a small aside, I think that the balance between story and fetish is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. Mine will differ from yours will differ from 4ofSwords', so while we can advise you, you're the one who will have to find your place of comfort. Write a few more pieces and see what brings you joy, don't stress yourself about reception too much. Create what you're happy with, and like-minded people will come to you.
Check out my work right here. Leave some feedback, it's much appreciated! I also do commissions.

Buy my books!
User avatar
VaguenessIncoming
Somewhat familiar
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:16 am

Re: New writer, please critique/give advice

Postby Grapefruitvenison » Tue Mar 09, 2021 2:10 pm

VaguenessIncoming wrote:First off, I'm seconding all of 4ofSwords' advice. They know their stuff.

And as a small aside, I think that the balance between story and fetish is something we all have to figure out for ourselves. Mine will differ from yours will differ from 4ofSwords', so while we can advise you, you're the one who will have to find your place of comfort. Write a few more pieces and see what brings you joy, don't stress yourself about reception too much. Create what you're happy with, and like-minded people will come to you.


Yea, I agree 100%. I am planning on adding a bit more detail since I kind of wasn't happy with some of the stuff yet, but yea, I reckon if you try to please everybody, you'll end up pleasing nobody, which is why my goal is to present something that is high quality, but also in my style with my interests, and then the people that align with me will hopefully like my stuff.
Grapefruitvenison
New to the forum
 
Posts: 19
Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:26 am


Return to Work to be shared!

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Pornman, TatsuyaWar