First Short Story Uploaded, looking for critique/pointers!

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First Short Story Uploaded, looking for critique/pointers!

Postby Delete9026b26 » Fri Sep 11, 2020 6:57 am

Howdy! I'll try to keep the chitter-chatter bits to a minimal as to not bore anyone to death!

I uploaded my first story last night rouughlllyyy 10 hours ago(?), it seems to be doing okay for a first-story, but I want to hear some actual insight and critique from other portal users and content creators. I do know some pals suggested trying longer stories (I do agree that roughly 720 words is a rather short tale!), but I wanted to see if there were any other pieces of advice I could be given on writing vore stories, or with my general writing style.

I'll go ahead and drop some tag warning first and link it to the main piece via attachments, and uh..thanks for your help should you decide to give any critique or pointers!


P.S. The piece has already been uploaded before making this, so I'll provide a link too, but I wanted to make this specifically to look for advice for future story writing.

https://aryion.com/g4/view/632625
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DrunkenDarya.docx
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Re: First Short Story Uploaded, looking for critique/pointer

Postby HeinousSaurus » Sun Oct 04, 2020 9:21 pm

I think this section:

"Sadly, a squirmer like Zetta wasn’t exactly one to give up just because a cute fish girl asked nicely. Friends or not, Zetta had no interest in this fate, future dress-filler was not the job for a master thief like her! She had goals after all! Being part of a fish’s waistline wasn’t on the agenda!"

was a little repetative. I would have cut either "Friends or not..." or "Being part..."

You also kind of bounce about between the past, present, and whatever tense "would" falls into. It isn't a huge issue, but it results in sentences like:

"...and as a result made her way to her room with little trouble, save for the previously mentioned thrashing bulge she calls her stomach."

The "she calls" at the end reads a little weird, and would probably be better as "she called" to maintain the established tense. As another example:

"She covered her lips after a small pair of black panties slapping onto her stomach..."

Slapping doesn't really make sense, because this is explicitly "after" the panties have come flying out. It should be slapped.

There's also a few cases where you've got the wrong subject:

"Every muffled belch and hiccup erupted the foul scent..."

Things erupt. Lava erupts from a volcano. Simmering dislike erupts into blistering rage. But things don't generally erupt other things.

As a second example:

"...having surfaced from the body-trembling belch."

Things don't generally surface from actions, they surface from objects or states of obscurity. A better wording might have been "...having surfaced in the aftermath of the body-trembling belch."

There's also one sentence that bugged me:

“'Darya you idiot! Maybe if you didn’t drink so much you wouldn’t be so drunk then!'”

It just sounds repetative and flat. "You drank too much, so you're drunk." The reader already knows she's tipsy, and doesn't need it spelled out like this. I think a better use might be to describe her character a bit (ex: "That's what you get for having no self control, you idiot!" or "You think after the third time you'd learn, but nooooo...")

I like your descriptions. "ale-swollen gut." "body-trembling belch," all the different spellings and lengths of the belches work well.

As for the story, the only thing that confused me was Zetta's attitude. She goes from "Zetta had no interest in this fate" to "I'll now proceed to pleasure myself in this fish" with no explanation. I would maybe explain it as she's getting secondhand drunk and starting to think less clearly as the story goes on?
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