I'll be posting stories I've been commissioned for every Friday this month!
Here's the first of many: https://aryion.com/g4/view/681724
Uploading Commissions
Forum rules
This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.
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Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.
This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.
Read the rules in detail here
Read the Critiquing suggestion here
Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.
5 posts
• Page 1 of 1
Uploading Commissions
Last edited by TheKawaiiCommie on Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:29 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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TheKawaiiCommie - Somewhat familiar
- Posts: 143
- Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2019 7:04 pm
Re: Gauging Interest for Story
Welcome to Eka’s
My first thoughts are that you definitely seem to have a beefy vocabulary, but personally- and this may just be personally- I might try to use some more common synonyms or phrases where possible. It pulls me out of the story when I have to stop and try to remember what an unusual word means.
I might also recommend starting new paragraphs when a new character speaks. This is something I didn’t do at first when writing here, but started to after posting for a while. I think it makes a story easier to read and re-read. But again, this is just a stylistic choice.
Other than that, I think you do a good job of painting a picture of the environment around the characters.
My first thoughts are that you definitely seem to have a beefy vocabulary, but personally- and this may just be personally- I might try to use some more common synonyms or phrases where possible. It pulls me out of the story when I have to stop and try to remember what an unusual word means.
I might also recommend starting new paragraphs when a new character speaks. This is something I didn’t do at first when writing here, but started to after posting for a while. I think it makes a story easier to read and re-read. But again, this is just a stylistic choice.
Other than that, I think you do a good job of painting a picture of the environment around the characters.
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TheDragonBoy - Somewhat familiar
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:38 pm
Re: Gauging Interest for Story
I second the idea of starting new paragraphs for dialogue. You've got really dense paragraphs already, and having to parse out dialogue is too much.
I also think a few of your sentences get a little too long. For example,
"As they carefully blazed a path to the front doors with a much-beloved curved dagger, the intruder had many chances to turn back as the moonlit manor seemed to check their every step with malformed flora."
You have two concepts here (thief is cutting a path through the vegetation, and the vegetation seems to be actively hindering them) that don't necessarily need to be in the same sentences. I'd suggest replacing it with a sentence describing them starting to hack through, and then begin the next with "As they cut their way through..." or something. There's other examples of this kind of thing, and when I read them I found I had to reread them to figure put what each bit was referring to or saying individually.
You have a few grammatical/spelling errors, but it isn't bad there.
Other than that, I wish I had your skill with imagery. The opening especially feels very Lovecraftian, and I'm interested to see where you take it.
I also think a few of your sentences get a little too long. For example,
"As they carefully blazed a path to the front doors with a much-beloved curved dagger, the intruder had many chances to turn back as the moonlit manor seemed to check their every step with malformed flora."
You have two concepts here (thief is cutting a path through the vegetation, and the vegetation seems to be actively hindering them) that don't necessarily need to be in the same sentences. I'd suggest replacing it with a sentence describing them starting to hack through, and then begin the next with "As they cut their way through..." or something. There's other examples of this kind of thing, and when I read them I found I had to reread them to figure put what each bit was referring to or saying individually.
You have a few grammatical/spelling errors, but it isn't bad there.
Other than that, I wish I had your skill with imagery. The opening especially feels very Lovecraftian, and I'm interested to see where you take it.
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HeinousSaurus - Been posting for a bit
- Posts: 41
- Joined: Wed Jul 08, 2020 9:12 pm
Re: First Real Chapter of Story
Starting a new paragraph when a different person speaks is not so much an idea as standard usage. Those who mix dialog from different persons in the same paragraph are doing it
WRONG.
…unless, of course, they are using artistic license to convey an impression of mixed conversation or chaotic situations with everyone yelling at the same time.
Sincerely,
The Grammar Third Reich
WRONG.
…unless, of course, they are using artistic license to convey an impression of mixed conversation or chaotic situations with everyone yelling at the same time.
Sincerely,
The Grammar Third Reich
Come and hear the Tales of a Visceral Voyager…
If you don’t, Zōēā’s poor snake will go hungry.
You wouldn’t want that, would you?
If you don’t, Zōēā’s poor snake will go hungry.
You wouldn’t want that, would you?
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IvesBentonEaton - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 457
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:26 pm
- Location: The world of Āen. My world—and welcome to it…
Re: First Real Chapter of Story
Yeah doing line-breaks correctly during dialogue something I frequently forget to do when writing, so I paid special attention to it this time. Thanks to the people who pointed it out for me.
Last bumped by TheKawaiiCommie on Fri Apr 02, 2021 4:29 pm.
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TheKawaiiCommie - Somewhat familiar
- Posts: 143
- Joined: Mon Jul 01, 2019 7:04 pm
5 posts
• Page 1 of 1