New vore writer looking to improve (new story as of 7/16/19)

[PlatoPapel]

Hi, I recently finished my first vore story and I'm looking to improve my future work with feedback.

Any feedback is good feedback to me. Even if it's just a matter of personal preference, I'm interested in hearing anything that worked or didn't work for you.

This story is titled "The Egg Pit" and is slightly over 2k words long: https://aryion.com/g4/view/529422

It contains (or alludes to):
-Unwilling vore
-Fatal digestion
-Incest and incestual vore
-F/F vore
-Overtones of oviposition, pregnancy, and unbirth

[Progressive]

For your first time out, this is really well written. Feedback below:

Just a heads up, I didn't watch the video at first. You said “inspired by”, not “based on”. I assumed, based on that, I didn't need the video. As such, some things that you didn't make clear without the aid of the video (for me at least, I am a bit thick-headed sometimes; take this feedback with a handful of salt) are mentioned below.

Comments, mostly chronological order:
- I really like the info-graphics/plaques as a means of relaying information. The formatting on them is makes them stand out nicely and I liked how you tied the info back into the dialogue and story a bit. It's a unique way to deliver information to the reader and, most importantly, you didn't overdo it.
- The little details in Belle's a Julia's interaction flesh out their characters really nicely.
- You used an interrobang?! You're automatically a good egg in my book for doing that.
- The swallowing scene was clean and effective. I like how you described the struggle as a “bizarre dance” and included details of both character's difficulties. But...
- I found Belle turning on her womb-mother to be a jarring turn of events. There doesn't doesn't seem to be logic to it as it's written. You have the dialogue “...As long as at least one of my eggs ends up fertilized and inside of a loving womb-mother like you, I’ll be happy.”... which is delivered as a really sweet and caring line, but if her intent was to devour her mother all along, then Belle comes off as a liar and a psychopath.
- The story takes a sharp turn after Belle turns on Julia. It was mostly normal until “Donna just wanted to have an orgy all day, yet..”. Going back to the point above, I feel like holding this grudge for that long is just unreasonable. I mean, it's her mother... who clearly loves her daughter based on the previous paragraphs.
- I'd just relocate the entire passage between “As Julia tried to process her own question...” to “Julia was stunned to hear a reason that she could comprehend.” to somewhere else in the story, or save it for the next story. I say that because the explanation in the paragraphs afterward about Julia's journey to the pit with her sorority sisters, and the omen, and the setting details about Pit-borne's spiritualism are all good details and can serve as the reason for Belle's betrayal that I feel jives better with the characterization you set up for Belle.
- Not an expert, but if you're having Belle orgasm, I'd try to build it up more. At the scene “Belle grunted as she firmly squeezed...” The tension has built to a head for Julia (literally) and she gets the release of tension (by dying horribly), but Belle isn't really building to anything at this point. She's the one doing it, but I think her orgasm afterward would benefit from adding detail to her tension building in this scene.
- Barring the inconsistency with her personality, I liked the final scene where Belle awkwardly shuffles away from the crowd. If she's supposed to be a psychopath, she wouldn't be feeling awkward about it, but that's something for you to ratify

And to wrap up, a few more:
- Your paragraphs and pacing is fine, I'd habitually try to combine a few paragraphs here and there. I feel like some of them are a bit short on their own and the breaks are unnecessary.
- Are these characters supposed to be human? Why are they laying eggs? I thought they were adorable lizards at first, but I re-read it and couldn't find any references to their being anthropomorphous lizards. Just left me a little clueless until I watched the video. I've been trying to come up with a way to make this clearer if I was in your shoes. I don't know how I would remedy this myself at the moment, sorry about that.
- I might just be a hater, but what purpose does the incest serve in this story? Counter-point: Does it need to have a purpose?

Overall this is pretty good quality and I enjoyed it. Also, the video you linked is hilarious and I'm glad that your mind said “Yes, this is a perfect prompt for a story.”

So, these are just my thoughts, I encourage you to disagree with them. If you're looking for other writers to commiserate with, I'd recommend joining the Ink and Quill discord server. https://discord.gg/u7sTSq
I, and vastly more talented people, stumble around there and there's usually someone willing to chat about whatever.

Good Job! Keep making things!
Cheers!

[PlatoPapel]

Thank you very much for the wonderful critique, Progressive. I will definitely take these points into account when writing sequels and other future stories.

I imagine watching the source material felt even more surreal after reading the story. My biggest reservation about saying the story was "based on" rather than "inspired by" the video was that the video contained many elements which could break the already-thin suspension of disbelief (to put it lightly). Also I suspect some readers would be even more confused about the story if they watched the video beforehand.

I agree that many questions (such as whether the characters were even human) weren't explained properly, and frankly I'm surprised the setting is comprehensible at all. I hope to subtly leave more answers in the sequels but this story definitely could have used a bit more context.

I also agree that Belle's morality, personality, and feelings for Julia could come off as nonsensical. This is another thing I hope to improve in sequels but it was bugging me the entire time I was writing and revising. My goal was to portray Belle as a more-or-less "normal" woman in a functioning culture where human life (particularly male and child life) has significantly less value than our own culture (mainly because fertility rates are ridiculously high and because vore). The biggest difference between Belle and the average woman was that she firmly believed Julia (who she genuinely loved and would miss) had already owed her life to the Pit and was living on borrowed time every day. I think these are the two biggest problems with my portrayal of Belle:

1. Excessive foreshadowing of "who is going to eat who and why" is one of my pet-peeves in vore writing and it has made me stop reading some stories early. But as a result of avoiding foreshadowing even to the concept of vore (the biggest hint was Belle thinking to herself "No, you won't"), it came off as lazy and contrived writing when I started listing memories afterwards to justify the vore.

2. Because of the sudden reveal of vore and the only other direct mention of it being Belle eating her youngest brother (as well as the shocked reactions of witnesses being the only reactions shown), Belle comes off as a deranged psychopath rather than a mostly-relatable product of her culture with some zealous views on Pit traditions.

I think the first reason (in addition to pacing concerns) is also why the paragraph "As Julia tried to process her own question...” seems out of place. I tried putting it in 2 or 3 different spots before settling on its current location. Julia has already been aware that Belle wanted to eat her once, and before Belle mentions her motivation it's the closest thing Julia has to an explanation. The reader should have somehow been given that paragraph's information before the vore actually happened.

I think your point about Belle's orgasm will probably help me the most with my other stories. My logic for a world with vore is "If the reader thinks something is hot, then so does the character" and I didn't want to interrupt the story with patronizing reminders of "who is getting wet and why". But the main issue with not explaining anything was that Julia showed absolutely no guilty pleasure in being eaten/digested, so there was no reason to infer that Belle was getting turned on either.

Finally, to answer your two questions about the incest:

1. It's not much, but I plan to use text messages with Donna as an introduction to future sequels. The incestual tension might make them a more interesting B-plot. However, maybe just incestual vore tension (non-sexual) would be interesting and feel more relatable. It's a bit too late to switch back to that now but I'll keep it in mind for non-sequel stories.

2. lol, exactly. Even the vore feels unnecessary considering the setting and source material, but sometimes bad writing is a fair price to pay if it makes something hotter.

Once again, thank you so much for your insightful analysis. Reading your comments and thinking out my response has already made me a better writer. Also I'll definitely check out that discord, I remember seeing it around earlier but I lost the link.

[PlatoPapel]

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[PlatoPapel]

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[PlatoPapel]

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