Asexual or just Kinky? How to tell?

[pureawesome]

I've been confused for a long time about how asexuality and kink relate to one another. I was under the impression that, if you seek out vore content in order to jack off to it, that means you're sexually attracted to vore, and if you're experiencing sexual attraction to vore or related scenarios, then that runs counter to the definition of asexuality, which is "a lack of sexual attraction".

But now my general lack of interest in sex is hurting my relationship. My wife wants to know why I'm not that interested in intimacy, and is straight up asking me if I'm asexual, and I'm wondering if I've got my wires crossed somewhere between the definitions of sexual attraction and asexuality. Does sexual attraction require a human being be on the receiving end of it in order to count? How do I even know for sure I'm "feeling sexual attraction" vs "making an executive decision to engage in sex"? I know I've been attracted to my wife before, I'm pretty sure, and I know that at my current weight there has been an overall impact on my sex drive - so maybe it's just that? Like if I lose some weight and get in shape all those feelings will come back again? Was what I used to feel even sexual attraction, or was I just in love and willing & able to do what came with that? How would you tell?

My wife has mental health issues, so I'm also wondering if my lack of interest in intimacy is cos these days I associate her more with her anger, her lashing out, her harm towards herself, and that that's crowded out all the desire for closeness with her that used to be there. It's not her fault, of course, but it's hard to regain that trust with someone after they've shouted at you enough times.

It's all confusing, and I don't know how to tell where my issues end and hers begins, but I know the question overall of my sexuality is a big hinge-point that could determine whether we're headed for a break-up or not, and I'm at a loss at even how to tell what my deal is, let alone bring her back into the fold.

If anyone has any insights or experience with issues like this, any feedback is appreciated.

[Assimilation]

I'm not going to be able to answer your question. There's a lot about experiences and a lot about language, and people will argue about the definitions of what you're wondering without really hitting upon the experiences that you meant to describe. If you're not generally interested in sex with your wife, it really doesn't matter whether or not it's precise to call yourself asexual because you do get sexual pleasure from non-coital thoughts and action; you're not interested in sex with your wife and thus there's a problem there if she wants her partner to engage in intercourse with her.

[sloshing]

i think asexuality has more to do with a lack of sexual attraction towards people? some asexual people enjoy having sex although it has more to do with the pleasure associated with sex than the person they're having sex with? like for a lesbian, she might see a girl and go "she's hot. i wanna have sex with her". an ace person... won't think that! they can get horny or want to have sex either for the pleasure it brings or because they desire intimacy with their partner though. if that makes sense. so if you had an asexual person into vore, it's probably more about the act/fantasy of it on its own as opposed to the people involved (this sorta translates in other ways too; im lesbian but there has been some kink art of men that i liked just because it scratched all the right itches for me. if that makes sense?)

in this case i think you might just have to consider if you see your wife (or any other people you are attracted to) in a sexual way? like do you experience sexual desire for celebrities or other women you might see? even fictional characters maybe? i won't make a guess about your sexuality but from what it sounds like it seems like there are a few factors that might be inhibiting your enjoyment or desire for sex in general. i've been in a similar situation where an ex-partner of mine was lashing out a lot and it really lowered my sex drive so i ended up avoiding sex a lot more. instead i would just not engage in any sexual release at ALL because i just wasn't interested or would just take care of things solo. it became a whole thing but usually my attraction toward them picked up again after we were both feeling better. i think maybe the best thing to do is to see if you can work out any problems you might be having and see how things feel after that.

hopefully actual asexuals can give you some advice too, i'm mainly going off my experiences back when i USED to identify as asexual...

[umakeisee]

If you just want a take from someone in the vore community, it sounds like the main issue here is that you're not attracted to your wife anymore. While figuring yourself out is important, I think you're blaming sex when the actual issue is your wife is being abusive. Your sexuality is related, but not important. The real question is whether you can salvage the relationship given your lack of attraction to her. If she's working on getting better, I think there's hope. If treatment isn't helping, it might be a lost cause. If she's not getting treatment, I wouldn't stay unless she starts. It's not healthy for either of you if she keeps letting her mental health go unchecked.

That's just my perspective though. I would recommend replacing vore with porn and ask this on a general relationship board, like r/relatioshipadvice. You'll get a lot more feedback.

[ryanshowseason3]

I agree with assimilation. Worrying about the semantics of your position is not productive. Ignore what it is called.

Fact of the matter is you aren't attracted. Does vore still get you interested in a sexual way? If so your sex drive didn't just die in general. Do other women with your wife's features still arouse interest? Have they ever before? Perhaps you only show sexual interest with romantic partners or even ones that you are falling IN love with. I've seen people that lose sexual interest in the steady parts of a relationship for sure.

Sounds like more than a forum can handle and you should be headed towards therapy, perhaps couples therapy sooner than later.

Far too often couples show up too close to the breaking point and not earlier on. It's like letting an infection spread and only going to the emergency room. If you got the infection treated early you would be fine.

[chewchulainn]

I'm sorry that you're going through this : ( It sounds like a complicated situation to be sure ;.;

I do agree somewhat with Assimilation, in that the crux of the issue isn't necessarily your sexuality, but that you aren't interested in sex with your wife. But as an asexual I definitely can relate to issues of lack of sexual attraction or desire in a relationship with a partner who wants or expects those things from you.

From the things that you mentioned: I think it's definitely possible that putting on weight has affected your image of yourself and made sex feel less appealing, though you definitely shouldn't feel bad about yourself for putting on weight or anything is that is something you're experiencing (though I know that's easier said than done xP). And I also think it sounds understandable that lately you haven't been feeling attracted to your wife because of how she's been acting, which also sounds like it would put a damper on desiring sex. As someone who hasn't experienced sexual attraction before I can't really say 100% what the difference between sexual attraction and the executive decision to have sex is, since it can be difficult to describe the absence of something, but I think that if looking at your wife or thinking about her makes you feel aroused then that is sexual attraction, whereas if you don't feel aroused by her appearance or actions but still choose to have sex because you feel like having sex/she feels like having sex and you want to indulge her, then that's not necessarily sexual attraction.

I think that it's perfectly valid that this is making you question your sexuality, and it's never too late to undergo that self exploration. But it also makes sense that there could be other factors that just are making the idea of sex less appealing. And I think the only way to really get to the answer there is to talk about these feelings, be it with your wife or maybe with a therapist if that's an option. It sounds like your wife could benefit from that as well if she's dealing with harming herself ;; Though I understand therapy isn't always an option, and I apologize for suggesting it if that is the case <_> But having a third party to talk about these questions with can definitely help with sorting out your feelings without it turning into a fight between you two, so if not a therapist then maybe a trusted friend or a family member if that's an option?

If the two of you want different things sexually then that's something that'll have to be worked out one way or another (be it finding compromise or breaking up), but whether you are ace or not, if you don't feel like having sex for whatever reason then you shouldn't feel pressured to have it, even with your wife. (not to jump to the assumption that she is pressuring you or anything, I don't know exactly what the situation is, I just want to make sure that's clear).

Does your wife know about your vore fetish, or is that not something you've felt comfortable sharing with her? And when she asked if you were asexual, did it feel like an accusatory question, or that she was just trying to understand why you weren't as into intimacy?

Also, to address the first part of your post- you can have kinks or fetishes and still be ace! Asexuals still have sex drives and can still be aroused by things, it's just we aren't sexually attracted to other people (though even that's a simplification, there are some people who identify as ace while experiencing sexual attraction but just not experiencing it very often, or very strongly). Like most things with sexuality, it is a spectrum, and different people will feel differently or identify differently. I'm ace and vore does turn me on, but I wouldn't say I'm 'attracted to' vore in the same way people are attracted to other people, because there's no expectation or desire to actually partake in vore. Even with fictional characters I find myself attracted to, there isn't a desire to personally have sex with them even if they were real- for me at least there's a distinct separation between the fantasy of these things and my reality, and while I do kind of view my relationship with vore as 'taking the place' of my sexual attraction, I don't really consider it to be a sexuality on it's own, if that makes sense. That's just my experience though, I know there are also ace people who like vore but aren't aroused by it, so it really depends on the person.

Sorry this was long, I felt like you deserved a proper response to what you're dealing with, and I hope that at least some of this might have offered some insight or some sort of help ;.;

[LucifersChef]

Chewchulainn and Assimilation have said it all much better than me. The only thing I can add - is it possible you're demisexual?

[Alyks]

relax, none of it means anything, it’s just about how ya feel. call yourself whatever feels right it ain’t deeper than that

[booleanTrue]

Sounds like the two of you really need couples' therapy.

[gnotagnome]

Asexualityt is part of a spectrum; demisexual folk aslo qualify as ace, for example. An ace person can have sex and even enjoy it and still be ace, as its more about sexual attraction, not libido. I figured out I was ace when I realised I like foreplay and kink, but don't get anything from intercourse without kink - i'm a sub and need to be domm'd to be in the headspace to enjoy sex. my got-to metaphore is "I love tartar sauce, and tolerate fish so I can enjoy the sauce" sauce being kink and fish being intercourse.

Because acesexuality is vast and not just one thing, i'd suggest doing some reasearch and asking acefolk about their experiences. i know there are some ace meme subreddits that might help you the same way r/egg_irl helps people realize they might be trans. For me, it was a combination of one of my besties being aroace sexrepulsed and talking with her about it, as well as tryting to find what parts of sex i enjoyed.

it helps to remeber each of the following are their own sperate things:
sexual attraction
romantic attraction
aesthetic attraction
sex drive/libido
gender identity
gender presentation

while they can overlap for some people, others find they don't for them.

[blessedwasthechild]

Oh gosh there's a lot of stuff to read here real quick but I was trying to quickly ascertain if any asexuals are replying to this thread. I don't see any. I'd imagine they'll be quiet or won't notice this. I have *two* asexual friends/acquaintances with a vore fetish. Here's my advice. If you ARE asexual, or even if you aren't or choose not to think of yourself that way, it does NOT mean your "wires" are crossed. I hope you and your significant other can work things out but it might be an incompatibility if you can't get over that hurdle, but there are people who consider themselves sexual who have low sex drives, and people who consider themselves asexual with high libidos who get into porn for a VARIETY of interesting reasons. It really depends on the person.

And it is very existential. Consider for a moment that everything we know and believe is meaningless, and then take that existential thought and wonder what humanity even means and what we could be. To step outside of the natural and self-determinate as a species toward... whatever we bloody damn want.

So not only should no one be ashamed to be asexual, but also we shouldn't be surprised when asexuals are so *varied* in tastes, behaviors and the limitations and desires of their "sexual" interests.

Actually screw that I just noticed gnotagnome put it all down there?

[terannmeapart]

Hi! I think Chewchulainn laid things out pretty solidly but I had a couple points I wanted to add. (For context I'm on the ace spectrum somewhere and I've spent a long time exploring the ace/aro community online, mostly on tumblr lol).

The term 'sexual attraction' refers to attraction to a person in a sexual way. If you get off on the idea of fucking a specific person, that usually indicates that you're sexually attracted to them. The term is generally not used to refer to anything other than people, so it doesn't make grammatical sense to be sexually attracted to vore. You can be 'aroused' by or 'interested' in or 'into' vore, but not sexually attracted to it. This language may change in the future, but that's my current understanding of it. And I recommend doing some of your own research as well, there are lots of forums out there in internet land.

Now on to my experience and how that shaped my understanding of asexuality as it relates to vore:

I recently started taking testosterone so that changed some things for me, but before then I'd never gotten off on the idea of having sex with someone, bodies didn't turn me on. What Did turn me on was vore, plus some other adjacent kinks. The asexual label worked for me because I was uninterested in having sex, but I often felt like I was 'faking it' or something because of my vore kink/masturbation. Fast forward to now, where I have experienced sexual attraction: vore art/stories hit very differently now, because now I am Also aroused by the bodies that are participating in them.

I guess what I mean to say is that a vore kink and sexual attraction are two distinct things that can definitely overlap but are ultimately Not the same.

As I said before, being asexual is not the same thing as not wanting to have sex, it is simply a lack of sexual attraction (sexual desire/arousal towards bodies/people).

You say you're unsure if you were sexually attracted to your wife or just in love and willing, I recommend thinking back and asking yourself a couple questions: Were you aroused by the idea of having sex with Her, specifically? Did her body turn you on? If you were only aroused by the sensations, or specific actions, or the act of having sex as a general concept (or anything other than Wanting to have sex with Her), that may be a sign of asexuality.

I'm not an expert or anything and I'm half asleep right now so I apologize if any of this is incoherent.

[fixated1]

I'm so glad people are suggesting couple's therapy. I hope it's accessible to you. There's some good advice in here but that's most important. Even if we had a therapist here that could help you figure all this out it's important that the two of you do this together. You both have to come to understand what's going on, each other, and how to keep your relationship healthy.

[rotta287]

There have been some pretty good answers so far.

Now, I do have a similar experience to yourself where I am super into particular types of erotic content and fantasies but have no sexual attraction to anyone IRL. It turns out there is a micro label on the asexuality spectrum called Aegosexuality that describes this.

https://sexuality.fandom.com/wiki/Aegosexuality

It helped me figure out I was on the Asexuality spectrum and your case sounded relatively similar to me. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm necessarily right about this, but I hope I helped.

[fieldmousse]

Every sexuality is unique. The plethora of named nonheteronormative sexualities, e.g., asexuality, aeogsexuality, etc, do a good job of approximately grouping the sexualities of a larger group of people together, but will always fail to capture some nuanced component of an individual's sexuality.
(this also applies to "so-called" sexual spectrums, but that's a whole different debate...)
In other words, don't try too hard to find a label for yourself, if it's not a label the majority of people are familiar with it's not going to be productive anyways.
I think what others have suggested with therapy and strong communication are good, so I'd like to add to the conversation elsehow.

Personally, I make a distinction between "kinky" and "paraphilic" with kinky referring to people who have interests that complement their sex-involving sexualities.
Paraphiles often have weird desires that outright replace their sex-involving sexualities. This is a well-studied phenomenon and is often attributed to some trauma early in life.
But at the end of the day, love who you are and try to be as transparent to your partner as possible

[Scratch]

Have you considered that it's somewhat normal? I mean, how many comedians out there use the 'married couples don't have sex' joke as their bread and butter... I'd say there's fairly scientifically explained reasons that people lose interest in each other after forming relationships, including intimacy issues. Usually that's why you always hear about older couples 'spicing things up' to keep their sex lives going. Trying to apply a permanant lable to something that's constantly changing seems like folly.
And yeah actually weight gain will affect your hormonal balance, usually towards more estrogen, so it could definitely be playing a part.
The best thing would be as several people have said to see a couples therapist. Looking at a fairly explainable situation as some severe abberation (wires crossed) is going to just make things worse. At the least you could possibly find something 'kinky' that gets you both off...

[alockwood1]

To be fair, I am a stranger where certain aspects of sexualality are concerned, as I've never found that special someone, yet at the same time, some of this vore stuff does turn me on, some of it is stuff I don't actually like, yet it does the job for some reason.